Okay, this is special. It didn't occur on the tube, but still in zone 4 so it's allowed.
I'm walking along platform 8 at Wimbledon station when I hear quite a guttural shout from a female voice ahead of me. I cannot see who is producing the noise because it is coming from behind a Starbucks that sits in the middle of the busy platform.
"SHOOOOOO!!!!! GET OUT!!!!!!!!! GO!!!!!!"
It is loud, angry, defensive and vicious. It has the kind of tone that I would use, in vain, if I ever had to fight a bear. It's desperate. At this point I seriously think the woman is being mugged.
Just as I am walking close enough to see behind the Starbucks, a small woman, late-30s/early 40s, bursts forward towards the edge of the platform, chasing the object of her wrath.
It is a pigeon.
Now, I haven't seen what the pigeon has done to spark the fury of this woman. She has a coffee in her hand but crucially no food, which realistically is what a pigeon is going to be interested in. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt though - perhaps it was justified. In my experience however even zone 1 pigeons aren't that brazen.
Anyway, the pigeon shows excellent judgement and flees the situation. Many people look upon the pigeon with envy.
The woman returns to her original spot where a young blonde child of around 11 years is stood with a smile on her face. I am assuming she is her daughter, and unlike everyone else on the platform seems to be finding the situation quite amusing. Worryingly her amusement has no element of shock or surprise, it all seems rather normal to her.
During all this, a second pigeon has been innocently ambling along the edge of the platform, approximately 6 or 7 metres away from the woman. What happens next seems to clarify what the first pigeon was guilty of - i.e. being a pigeon.
"SHOOOOOO!!!! GO!!!" She wails.
"FUCK OFF!!!!!!" She shouts, completely unjustifiably, while making her second offensive charge towards the edge of the platform.
Innocent pigeon #2 makes haste its retreat. At this point the young girl seems to have noticed that this is not quite normal behaviour but she is still smiling to an extent.
A train pulls in and leaves, followed closely by my train. The woman and girl board the same carriage as I do. I watch from afar as they wander closer, looking for suitable seats.
There's a group of 4 seats (pairs, facing each other). The two window seats are taken but for some reason the mother decides that the two remaining seats are unsuitable. She says nothing to suggest why, but it is clear they won't be sitting down. They stand next to them, putting a bag down on one. There is a blonde woman in her 30s sat by the window who has obviously witnessed the preceding incident. Let's call her Kylie. Also an older woman has her back to them, but is also wary of the oddness. Let's call her Madge.
Kylie is looking at the little girl with an empathetic "are you alright?" face. She then looks at Pigeon Woman with a concerned face. This back and forth continues for several minutes.
Pigeon woman is flustering around with her coffee, not sure where to put it. Eventually Kylie offers to do something with it, like put it in the bin for her. PW is very polite and then downs the coffee. At this point she then starts appraising her daughter's homework, with Madge looking on with a bemused expression on her face.
I have paused my music to hear what she's got to say. She's criticising and nitpicking, while the daughter replies with a kind of defensive but confident tone.
Anyway, I get to Surbiton and our paths divide. That's the end of the tale. A very odd one. Imagine she was confined by a proper tube station. Imagine she was on a tube with a pigeon! Christ almighty.