I get on the Piccadilly line going north from Holborn. I stand in the bit for suitcases and prams. It's a Thursday in February, about 8pm. The train is reasonably busy but this prized area of leaning space seems to be ominously empty. Then I realise why.
It stinks of shit. Actual human shit. I'm half expecting to see a shit on the floor, and I look for one too. I actually dip my head and look at the floor for a shit. But there isn't one that I can see.
Someone hasn't just farted here. They've bowled a googly and followed all the way through. It's bad.
I'm now in a classic Tube dilemma. I know I'm not responsible for the odour, but I'm in the goddamn epicentre. Ground zero. The eye of the storm.
Somebody knows what happened here, witness or culprit, it doesn't matter. What I'm wondering is, are they still here? If they are, then they're sitting comfortably outside the blast radius and are watching my every move. They're wondering how I'll react. Will I stand my ground and pretend I'm perfectly okay with the situation?
Don't think for a moment that anyone's going to say anything. This is the Tube. Speaking is for tourists or regional twats on a jolly to the big smoke. This is not long after rush hour and no-one's gonna rat.
Of course I'm standing my ground. This is the Tube! Show no fear!
However. There's something else at stake. The next stop is fast approaching and I'm still bang in the middle of No Man's Land. This is perilous territory. People are going to get on at Russell Square and think I'm the cause of it. I make a dash for another spot, it's about 3 metres away but the smell here is non-existent.
I'm too late though. A woman saw me move. She's stood exactly where I was, proud that she's bagged a prime leaning spot. Until, that is, her nostrils wobble to attention.
Her head dips, scouring the floor for an actual human shit.
Then she looks up. The tables have turned. Now I'm the predator, watching to see how she'll react.
She looks at me. "It was you!" She thinks. Her facial expression is inscrutable but it's clear that's exactly what she's thinking.
It bloody well wasn't.