Adorable 4-year-old girl sat next to me on the tube, one of those new Hammersmith & City line ones that's basically one long carriage. Her mother is on the other side of her with the pram. It's midday, mild, sunny and pretty quiet.
Read MoreTales
Tube driver wit #2
Northern line at Waterloo, about 6.30pm. I get on a tube that's reasonably busy - plenty of room to stand but no seats available. Driver pipes up after the doors have closed (successfully, after the first attempt).
Read MoreWax jacket hipster
I'm at Surbiton station, the border of zone 6, looking out into the wasteland beyond. I'm making my way back to the inner sanctum of zone 2. It's dark, about 8pm; the train pulls into the platform. On board is one of those wax jacket hipsters, doesn't leave Old Street much, looks like he should be carrying a shotgun and a pheasant stuffed with MDMA.
Read MoreTube driver wit #1
*stopped in a tunnel*
"Good news ladies and gentlemen! We're stopped at a red signal! There is a train in front of us and the red signal is keeping us a safe distance apart."
Delivered with a mix of sanctimony and sarcasm.
Read MorePlatform positioning
These new tubes that are effectively one long carriage - they are basically saving people from poor platform positioning.
I don't think that's very fair.
Needle in a haystack
A knobhead was monopolising one of two ticket barriers this morning at Hammersmith station, get this, by rubbing a large rucksack all over the oyster reader to try and get a hit.
Read MoreFootball on the tracks
I pull into Putney Bridge station, going south. Quite a few people are ambling on to the opposite platform. I'm observing through the closed door of my train.
Young, slim guy of about 20 has a football and unwisely starts to roll it around at his feet. But almost as soon as he starts, he manages to tease the ball over the edge of the platform. Not slow enough to do anything about, but not fast enough to completely justify no attempt to save it.
Read MoreMusical chairs
Piccadilly Line, Sunday afternoon. I'm standing in the pram/luggage area bit. You know the bit.
Woman gets on with a pram. The opposite area has some luggage in. It's not busy, they seem fine. I stay as I am.
South Ken. Busy platform. A few seats vacate next to me as tube is pulling in.
Read MoreWelcome to Oysterland
Okay, this is special. It didn't occur on the tube, but still in zone 4 so it's allowed.
I'm walking along platform 8 at Wimbledon station when I hear quite a guttural shout from a female voice ahead of me. I cannot see who is producing the noise because it is coming from behind a Starbucks that sits in the middle of the busy platform.
"SHOOOOOO!!!!! GET OUT!!!!!!!!! GO!!!!!!"
It is loud, angry, defensive and vicious. It has the kind of tone that I would use, in vain, if I ever had to fight a bear. It's desperate. At this point I seriously think the woman is being mugged...
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